So I never meant to be a news outlet but FYI I’ve been doing some heavy research and the economy is in a little bit of trouble.

Watching the guys who couldn’t score with the chicks on the debate team or the chicks on the drama squad (CNN anchors) try and explain this economic stimulus package to me got disheartening. In total sincerity I think sitting down to read something like this yourself is a decent practice. So not to be a hypocrite I downloaded it and tried to read it.

Now, normally I would fail because of all the legal mumbo jumbo stuff. But not this time. I’ve gotten kinda used to it over the past few months. Unfortunately they called the Troubled Asset Relief Program a “TARP” throughout the whole thing.

So, alone in my blue underoos and robe I sat, reading this stimulus package, saying to myself “It’s a TARP!”

The sad thing is, I don’t even think I’d want to hang out with Admiral Ackbar. This dude goes FACE FIRST into an epic trap. Of course, his main man is Lando who has been running, let’s face, a fucking bordello (imports exports? piss off. I didn’t see one lady in that town - clearly they’re all working girls. And there is 0 chance the wookie wasn’t paying for sex) for a few years and now puts on a cape and the rebellion is all about letting him run shit.

How did they win!? ANYTHING. “Hey I’m Han Solo, this is my Millennium Falcon. It goes super fast and I’ll drive you somewhere for some cash.” Translation “Yeah baby, I graduated High School back in ‘96 but still like to see how my old track coach is bringing in the young bucks. Oh that, that’s my iroc. I hit 105 on the highway once. You wanna go for a ride? Great baby. Wait, do you have gas money?”

Han Solo was a creep and a degen. The Wookie fucking HATED him I know it. But who is going to hire a wookie!? ANYWHERE? Hair ALL over the place. It’d be disgusting. Food services? No dice. Office space? No dice. Sales? I’m sorry, I don’t speak indiscernible growl. I saw Tatooine, there is no grass to cut so lawn care is not in the cards. So he had no choice.

What I want to know is what he did to get kicked off of wookie island (which we saw in the earlier flicks). It’s either he blew his shot with the one wookie lady in town, or some sort of “A long time ago in a galaxy far far away Wookie tried to make it in Hollywood (equivalent of that back in the day) and failed.”

All I know is never join the Rebellion. You’re going to work your way up to the top to have some piss ant named Luke steal your thunder. After you get over that an alcoholic smuggler into a giant sex crazed worm for big dough is going to take over your spot as captain, despite the fact that he is about as reliable as the junkies that are on Scrubs (Dr. Elliot Reed gets pwnd) - oh and those weeks and weeks you spent getting comfortable working next to a giant fish creature will mean nothing when a space pimp steals your spot in line.

What a shitshow. How did they win anything.

Today we’re talking about background musicians who are overly enthusiastic and their hideous fucking hats.

I know you’ve seen it. Some singer with some super tight backup band doing some sort of cover of “Welcome to the Jungle” but with a synth bass and chicks dressed like a tiger from one of Eddie Murphy’s parties in the 80’s. The camera man is obliged to pan across the band every few minutes - various angles including the “omfg he is REALLY playing those drums”, “how much do they pay that guy to rub that stick on that big bean looking thing? I could do that”, “he gets to play the big guitar”, and my personal favorite “god I love thick backup singers” - while we are introduced to the properly enthused band.

Then there’s that dude. If he doesn’t have a pony tail he has a hat from one of those hat shops you don’t think anybody besides the guys on “Atlantic City Hookers” shop at (fuck off you’ve seen it too - that narrator is going to narrate my wedding. My father in law is going to flip a SHIT but not be able to say why because he’s embarassed to tell everyone why he’s so pissed. Then my brother will get hammered and be like “nice narrator - sounded like that guy from that HBO special with the tranny hookers”. I know what you’re thinking - who gets a wedding narrator? The same guy who puts firecrackers in a turkey and thinks it’s funny.)

Anyway back to this dude - he’s got moves. He’s got the hat, the pony tail coming from below the hat, he’s got some sort of electric blue guitar and back up - because it is girating. Every note is coming directly from his haggar slacked crotch. Is that leopard print? No, it’s Liger print. Hell of a shirt. Not only did it come with soup, you can’t even tell I spilled it on it.

Now don’t get me wrong, this dude is doing his thing. The problem is he’s way too enthused to be on stage right now. He’s shucking and jiving to such a degree that the smiling tamborine player looks kinda out of place. There’s the singer “grimicangly musically” and well - I’ve said too much.

Long story short is calm down. We know you don’t like this song, so stop trying to fake it.

In case I break my legs skiing this weekend, you guys can have my sneakers.

Who was that skinny guy that was on screen in between the commercials before a movie? That weiner guy who was on “screen vision” or whatever you call it.

Anyway, quickbooks for Mac has a weiner guy too. So does UPS.

Fellas,

You guys are weiners.

Love,

Everybody

PS - I liked it better when I wondered if that was actually you writing on the whiteboard UPS guy. I was like “wow, this guy can really draw on a whiteboard.” Now I know you are a no-talent weiner.

That’s shipping with UPS.

Sweet ad that promised that if I shot the iPhone, I would in fact win a free one. First off, my empty life has already been filled with the technological pony dance that is the iPhone.

Second, I do NOT want to party with the dude who still to this day shoots the iPhone thinking he will in fact win one.

BTW clearly the shooting of the iPhone is in some flash ad. For clarification that is.

Now, in my younger days, I would actually click these links. Why? Because I was so bored at work sometimes that the only game I could play to pass the time was that “hit the ball out of the park and Orbitz will fly you around with a gnome stapled to your neck” or whatever. That game was awesome.

But did I ever think I would actually win anything? No. I’d love to meet the guy who gets excited, nervous, and all pumped. Like “here’s my shot - let’s go Roy, hit this fucking iPhone!” He sits up. Leans in all close. Slides the mouse cursor. Holds his breath. Points. Clicks.

Misses.

Fail.

Been on a roll lately with Krantz. He has managed to drag me to CrossFit a bunch. I feel like a million bucks. We signed up for a second gym near our apartment so we can get back to practicing basketball. It’s a bit annoying when the 5′11″ jewish guy is closer to dunking than the 6′4″ kid whose dad played ball but of course I root for him. We tried to play HU4Lunch bball today but we both moved like I moved 2 years ago.

Excited for playing more in the feature when my legs don’t hurt. Felt light on my feet, I think I’ll be grabbing rim shortly, which will help me with boarding.

Got a sick session in today which ended up in me recording a vid vs. a DC member which will air this Thursday. TBH I was kinda shocked in the lack of love for the last vid I did with Jay because it really blew me away. He outdid himself today again. I really had no idea he was that good at poker. I knew he was the best, but didn’t know that was how good the best was. Hopefully that makes sense.

On to more tangable things - who gives a shit about the Raiders. I just heard it on ESPN in the background. Because I am not in NY and getting direct TV was a huge chore, I had to go out to a bar at 10am on a Sunday to watch the Giants a few weeks ago. On one of the screens was the Raiders/Chiefs game. Wow. There were these solid bro pals hanging out and watching the Raiders, all excited. Well, one guy was but he seemingly knew nothing about football. Regardless, he felt obliged to share his knowledge with his buddies at the bar. It was epic fail annoying and the equivalent of two complete idiots trying to explain Real Analysis to one another (horrible joke but that was a hard class).

Anyway, as I chomped down a burger that probably would have tasted better if I had found it in the garbage, I commented to the bartender “man I’ve never actually seen a Raiders fan before!” He then commented that he in fact was a Raiders fan.

“That sucks.” danzasmack

No macros in Excel 2008? Are you serious? Apparently everybody but me knew this.

Anyway if I am wrong somebody please tell me. AFAIK, I can not run/write/record macros in MS Excel 2008 on the mac.

Piss of mac.

IF JOE DRINKS IT

IT MUST BE GOOD

Alliteration is the key to the every man bevery man way of existence. I’m blogging live here from the capital of tilt - the 2008 World Series of Poker. Like I’m literally sitting in the main room, televised final table on my right, not so televised final table @ about 1 o’clock, and COMPLETE DONKEYS @ high noon.

Wow. People are bad @ this game. Let’s just stop there poker is not dead blah blah blah.

So you guessed it, this will be a slightly poker oriented post for now so if that’s not your cup of tea cut the mustard and come back in a bit.

I’ve played little to no live poker out here. My tourney trip reports will be coming in audio blog format. I’m going to hopefully play the $10k LHE tomorrow, then plan on playing the $1500 LHE shootout, and the $1500 HORSE. But who knows. If I told you I thought about stuff like that this far ahead of time you’d know this wasn’t me posting and was actualy this dude in front of me wearing a PUNISHER Jersey. I didn’t know Marvel’s “The Punisher” played sports. I thought he was off killing people or punishing or whatever.

Anyway, the games out here are sick from what I’ve seen and played in. Deathdonkey is a more seasoned live pro than me and plays in horrible $100/$200 games. I played in a $30/$60 that made the stars $1/$2 seem tough. But that was really it. With DeucesCracked kicking but I’ve been super busy in a good way.

Anyway, crazy post on the way.

For those of you who are not online poker players let’s recap the shitheap of schmucks that run this industry.

99% of the people that make the wheels of the internet poker wagon run are morons. What do I mean?

Let’s say you have a huge company in a semi-legal industry and the U S of A is thinking about kicking you out of their country. Do you (a) ask the degenerate idiots looking to turn their last $38.15 into $1k, and soon after lose that $1k to you at blackjack, to donate a portion of their $38.15 to lobby for your “cause” or (b) pull a few hundred thousand dollars out of your ass and get the best kiss-assers money can buy?

If you answered (a) I have a shovel in the trunk of my car. I’m going to hit you on the head with it and bury you in the sewer.

Of course that’s water under the bridge now.

Yesterday I called netflix and the hot momma on the other line asked why I hadn’t used my netflix in a few months, despite the fact that I was paying for it. I told her that I had ignored the DVDs I hadn’t even watched for quite some time, all in an effort to “redefine lazy”. She then told me my next two months would be free of charge. So now I am a lifetime netflix lover/customer.

Absolute Poker had one of their tester accounts leak which was then used by people to cheat and win huge tournaments and dominate cash games. They were so stupid that they played so against the grain, bad enough to actually get caught by the shaggy and scooby of internet message board posters.

For a few million dollars I’ll figure out how to not fuck that up.

Today, Full Tilt Poker added some new SWEET avatars to their software. Bitchin’ eh?

Well unfortunately the software still doesn’t work. My laptop is about 2 years old now but have well over a gig of ram and runs great. The software chokes on a semi-regular basis. Of course half the time it’s not their fault. It’s…you guessed it New Yorkers…

Time Warner Cable!

I could bitch and moan about time warner long enough, and in enough detail, that with the writers strike and all, the end result of my endless spewing would be bought up by some studio, narrated by Morgan Friedman, and pasted over a bunch of pandas for some sort of sweet movie.

They sent me 3 cable boxes. None of which worked (each one, one at a time). They sent some dude to my apartment around 8 times in a 6 month span to look at the same hole in my wall and tell me there is no longer a problem. I can’t host skype calls because the shitbox internet dies out. My cable box (my “working” cable box) still resets on a semi-regular basis. I no longer get 1080i, i get 480i.

Oh the best one? Spending $115 on an HDMI cable only to find out that despite the fact that my cable box HAD an HDMI port on it, they didn’t work. Yes. There was a space for my HDMI cable on my cable box and television, but it would not work.

I think I’m going to design a car that just has like a bunch of buttons. Stuff like “Hovercraft, go!”, “Free Ice cream!”, “Hot Momma Copilot”, “James Earl Jones Narrates Your Journey”. But none of them do anything. Though the James Earl Jones ones may be a good start. I feel like if I just put that up there and had him read random things, people would look around and do there best to connect with what he was reading.

Also there would be a button for cereal.

Think about it. The Weather Girls had that “It’s Raining Men” song and then they were fucked.

According to the internet, they used to be a big time act that had a number 2 single, but thereafter renamed themselves the weather girls who had us all scratching our head with the line “god bless mother nature - she’s a single woman too!”

I mean, could you imagine it actually raining men? Like dead hunks falling from the sky. Necrophiliacs rejoice - plenty of dead dick to go around.

People would be crushed by their falling bodies, it would be awful.

Of course they didn’t mean literally raining men. Then again, they didn’t mean to make a song to be blasted by DJs in underground gay clubs all across America (back before gay clubs weren’t where all the hot women were allegedly at - I’m not that easily fooled).

No of course they meant that there is a new found plethora of dudes across the land for the group formerly known as “Two Tons O’ Fun” (seriously) to make their man toys.

Here’s the thing ladies. Tons of dudes doesn’t mean you’re going to get a lot more sex. It just means Paris Hilton’s vagina will turn to leather a few years ahead of time.

Oh I’m just kidding. By the way Weather Girls, I’d love to watch your video right now on youtube but apparently two foxy women of your size is too much for my web browser.

So anyway, naming yourself after a song doomed to be a one hit wonder can basically never be a good idea. It’d be like finding out Danny Bonadue’s middle name was “has been child actor” - you wouldn’t feel bad for him regardless of how many times he publicly cries for help on television.

Speaking of public cries for help - good luck democrats! Get your act together. Pick one of you now before it keeps being cool to vote republican (you may have missed it but after that whole “clinton” era, people were going against the grain by claiming to be “conservative”. That’s what happens when a 21 year old goes to business school.).

Double speaking of public cries for help - Alec Baldwin needs to lose some weight. I don’t want to see him go any time soon. He kicks ass in 30 rock.

Triple speaking of public cries for help - justicewagon.com needs a new bulleting system besides that awful _______ cries for help. That kid is dumb as bricks.

So this of course leaves us to wonder if mother nature is in fact a single woman (t00). If she is, who bangs father time? Just kidding that’s not even funny.

Anyway, it’s obvious mother nature is single. No man can put up with anyone as fickle as the weather for as long as it has been around. She may be good for a fling every now and then but hey what do I know. I’ve been divorced 3 times, lost every custody battles and am still a virgin.

Anyone wanna buy me a cherry soda?