NOBODY wants to read these, I know. Me blogging about poker. But I don’t really care because if I keep sharing every single interesting hand with Krantz (excuse me, every not interesting hand) he’ll probably hang me. And well, I’ve decided I’m just going to share them on here.

Heads Up NL has been winning the race lately - and by that I mean I’ll open up a LHE table and a NLHE table with the intention of playing 1 of the 2, and the first to fill has been the NL tables. It’s pretty cyclical it seems. All the 6max LHE regs run bad there, move to HU, win 200bbs, then run bad for 2 days at HULHE and run back to their 6max games. Fine with me.

To be honest I still prefer LHE, though the money has been better at NLHE. There’s more “I already know” moments in LHE but I’d like to have it be the same for HUNL sooner or later.

I just realized even I don’t want to write this.

Back to geico commercials. If I had a kid that went to school with the kids whose Dad made those commercials I’d tell my kid to be friends with that kid, then get invited over for a pool party. At the pool party I’d show up. First off I’d give the kid mustard as a gift. Why? Imagine opening up wrapping paper and seeing mustard. My grandpa wraps up cans of vegetables for us on Christmas as a gift, but we know it’s coming and he gets a kick out of it.

Anyway, 8 year old kid opening up tickle me elmo’s or whatever then suddenly, some Golden’s Spicy Brown. Kids don’t like that kind of mustard.

Anyway, after the kid opened it I’d push his dad in the pool. When his Dad asked why I’d tell him it was to ruin his blackberry, so he couldn’t send any more emails approving Geico commercials. Then I’d steal his wife, who invented the Gecko clearly.

I’d have to buy my kid something nice, but I could afford it. Why? Because I would have saved a bunch of money by switching my insurance to Geico. Why? Because the Gecko told me to do it.

NOT the caveman.

Please note this one goes under Corn-Gratulations.

Always great to break out a Corn-Gratulations and the Giants have earned it. Of course, I’m not going to write about the game. Why? Because if you haven’t read 1000 things about the Super Bowl by now that means this is the 1st site you actually go and check when you get online (after your emails I guess) and that means you deserve something a little more original than that.

First off I’m on a bus and the bus has internet and goes from Boston to NYC and this goofy ass couple is behind me, constantly nagging each other, talking to the driver who most likely has a blood alcohol level higher than my IQ (I was on math team) and basically making sure I don’t enjoy the once unparalleled serenity of www.limoliner.com. Fwiw I certainly recommend this service, this is the only “bad” experience I’ve had on here and it still beats the pants off just about any other method of travel (me + John Madden on his bus ftw imo. Fuckin’ party).

Anyway I’m a huge Giants fan. Love that goofy bastard (Eli) so much. So much so that it almost ruined the Super Bowl win for me. See, all I had to hear about since the dowry offered up by the Giants franchise was ayyy-oh-kayed was how he sucked. And sure, he wasn’t great, but we paid god knows what for the kid and he was going to play for 5 years regardless. He knew when he sucked. He knew when he was good. And, unlike the media, he knew when the rest of the team played like shit and he was playing great.

The problem? According to that tv show “Eli Stone”, there are a shit ton of words in the English language. Well for every word, there are probably about 6 assholes on the soapbox that is cable television regurgitating the same crock of shit they decided to shove down our throats for that day.

Except Troy Aikman.  Hating the Cowboys is an understatement. Of course, as a Giants fan I hate all of the NFC East, and pretty much any decent team that stands in our way but fuck it - we’re talking about the Cowboys. I hate ‘em.

Yet somehow, Troy Aikman does all the Giants games? Well not all of them. Sometimes we get this troll dude with a forehead so big he makes the Conheads jealous (hiyoooo). His team is horrible (though also, ironically enough, has a Dallas Cowboy in it?)

How did we get Troy Aikman? The guy actually understands football, says things that are relevant to the entire game, has a good feel for where the game is headed, how it got there, and knows when it’s Eli Manning playing like shit and when it’s Giants receivers not running routes.

Of course, they started running routes. Started playing well. Shockey stopped complaining because he broke his leg (sheesh I hope he doesn’t come back - though Troy and I disagree on this one). And we won the fucking super bowl.

Congrats Giants. Congrats Giant fans (when a lady called me last night to wish Happy B-day to my Mom I said “oh are you calling to congratulate me on the Giants win?” lol).  Congrats Troy Aikman and Joe Buck for kicking ass as super bowl commentators.

And congrats me. I’m hungry.

Like I wouldn’t be here 1st thing after the Giants playoff game.

For those of you with significant others overbearing enough to keep you away from a television set during the playoffs - the New York Giants won the game. It was a sweet win and has warranted a Corn-Gratulations! for Elijah “the Rock” Manning as NFLCopter.com calls him. He’ s a champion in the making.

Did you see him get fierce? An Eli fist pump, holler out right after that TD pass to the well dressed Armani Toomer.

That dudes name is Armani. I couldn’t imagine meeting someone named Armani in real life. Actually I take that back. I bet this summer in Vegas I meet a ton of people named things like “Armani” - except they are all full of shit. Their real name is Fred but they wanted to be bad ass so they shifted gears with a “fuck it, call me Dolce”. Their clever ruse will clearly be exposed when their long time friend, who lacks what I might call “creativity” calls him(or her) self “Gabbana”. Clearly the sunglasses were named after them.

I had to look up how to spell that btw.

I’m looking forward to situations like that, just so I could go along with it for a while. Like if I ever met that lilholdem kid, forget it. I’d let him show me like a dozen bb guns before i told him I knew they weren’t real. And even then when he said “nah brah they’s real” I’d nod in approval.

While on the topic of all things absurd - the Tampa Bay Buccaneers have a giant pirate ship in their north end zone. I’m not kidding. It’s a huge fucking pirate ship. That sounds like the kind of thing whiltelime would order, have shipped overnight and then throw out when he realizes how ridiculous it is.

Who thought that was a good idea? Can you imagine - your best friend just bought a football franchise. That’s basically the dream for pretty much anyone, even if they only kinda like football. I would be bananas excited. Even if it was the “yucks”. Let’s run through the convo.

Me: “What’s the news?”

Friend: “Dude, I just bought the Tampa Bay Buccaneers!”

Me: “Did you keep the receipt?”

Friend: “Nah, they are gonna win a super bowl in a few years and be good.”

Me: “Oh sick.”

Friend: “And check this out dude, I’m gonna put a fucking PIRATE SHIP in the stadium!”

It’s at this point that we realize our friend could ONLY be this man..well, boy rather

Have you ever seen the movie? With McCully “my parents took all my fucking cash” Culkin? The kid had a McDonald’s franchise IN his house. That was supposed to be bad ass back in the day. Now it’s just irresponsible. He’d be dead at 18. Didn’t he see that super size me movie? That guy was sick from eating all that crap, though who didn’t see that coming?

And how did he stay so rich making horrible business decisions like that? Putting a franchise in your home, despite the fact that it doesn’t make any money? He must be in oil or something like that. Richie Rich America’s youngest tycoon. Hold on, let me google it.

See the problem is there’s some other like “i like to go to dance parties” Richie Rich cramping google’s style. Get your own fucking name.

Well. Google gives me nothing. Wikipedia - zilch. So I’ll leave you with this.

If he’s so fucking rich why does he dress like a god damn butler? Man, this went south FAST.

Just so you know like, if we were doing some sweet C++ coding and we had declared an “int” variable called “fans” which represented the number of confirmed fans we had, which was originally initialized to zero, we would have, at this point in time, ran that line of code that said “fan++”.

So congrats.

Yes. Finally I found someone worth “breaking the seal” on.

See, when you go out and drink the beers, people call that 1st time you go pee “breaking the seal” because after that 1st time when you go pee, well you’re gonna pee a lot. So you don’t want to break the seal.

I agree. Crazy talk.

Anyway, it’s kind of like that with me with regards to knockin’ on television personalities. I had a borderline epiphany in this long, ill advised, existential/instrospective phase I went through. I really don’t envy people on TV. I mean, some of them yeah I would like that gig (as if the big guy wouldn’t love a soap box to holler from), but for the most part I’d probably hate myself if I was in television.

This of course gives me free reign to just rip into these people (this rare occurrence where I’m NOT being hypocritical is one we must, as a community, embrace) .

Oddly enough, the guy I’m about to rip on has one of those jobs I’d probably want. ESPN news anchors just always seem to be having more fun than we are. Who knows what they do there. But their commercials are flippin’ bitchin’.

Well, all of those guys. Except Skip Bayless. Here is a photo of him from sports blog that was down the one time i tried to read it.

Have you heard this man speak? Skip - YOU are on the budweiser hot seat!

Skip: “I’M going to TALK and BOBmyhead back and forth and ASSERTIVELY point my fingers at YOU on THAT SIDE of the screen!”

JW: “Skip, why don’t you drink a bucket of my urine? I’m sorry that’s stupid. But seriously, why do you do the budweiser hotseat? Why not anybody else? ESPN used to put you on the one show that nobody every had to watch.”

Skip:  “They (budweiser) spent all that money on clooney doing the commercial voices. So here I am. I’m so sorry.”

That was our 1st ever JusticeWagon interview. Awesome.

Anyway skip, from your off beat wardrobe (you have nothing on the PTI crew) , creepy hair, and leatherfaced expressions to your ignorant approach to sports analysis - laced with a stubborn approach to televised conversation - we on the wagon wish you would go away.

Hyachachacha.

My grandpa buys us cans of fruits and vegetables for Christmas sometimes. He is funnier than me. Anyway, one time he bought me a can of corn and said “Corn-Gratulations!” He got a kick out of it.

So here we congratulate.

This is to congratulate the Banana-Thieves for making it out of the 1st round of the playoffs.

*Mysterious Editor’s Note: They lost in the next round. The team blames danzasmack.