As will every other 2nd to last day of the month. It is officially “Awkwardly Close and Apologizing Day”. WHY? Because it is awkwardly close to the end of the month and my mix of sweat and Old Spice is clearly the best reminder.

How to celebrate: In a situation that requires you to stand near someone, you go and stand near them - only a little too close. Don’t like grab a boob or cup a buttock, but get a little too close and make it awkward. It’s not intimate. It is just like “uh, you can read the board from over there…”

Then, once the person acknowledges that you are too close, apologize as if to say “I’m sorry but there’s nothing I can do about this right now” - not like “oh I’m sorry I’m going to move”.

Once the moment passes feel free to go about your day. Celebrating your celebration with a cupcake or can of soda is fine/standard.

In honor of the Sunday of Super Bowls.

11. Order a bunch of food, pay for it, then realize it’s the wrong shit. Like bad.
12. Invite “that guy”. You know, the dude with the bluetooth headset but nobody to call.
13. Bet a LOT on the game. Like a lot.
14. Be a Patriots fan. Go Giants!
15. Read/Watch horrible puff pieces about football players you really don’t care about. I understand you’re trying to cram us full of as much shit as possible before the game - but just show some boobs or something I don’t know. They’re really stretching it. I guess this is what happens when you’re an actual fan of a team in the game - you get stuck watching everything.
16. Expect a lot out the commercials. Bad move in my opinion. Some of this stuff is just crap. I’d say who I’m talking about but their commercial is on right now and linking you to them from here would be doing a disservice to you as one of my readers.
17. Are you KIDDING ME? RYAN SEACREST? This is a crock of shit. Of course Nick Lachey is here too. I hate that guy. Nothing to do with anything he’s ever done career wise, but how do you stop banging Jessica Simpson? Schmuck. Anyway, Ryan Seacrest has to back the fuck off when it comes to sport commentary. This Is NOT America Idol! So there - invite him to introduce it.
18. No cross ventilation when buffalo sauce is involved. Think sucka, think,
19. Actually sit through the propping up of Tom Petty during the halftime show. Has Tom Petty every WATCHED football? I really don’t think so. Did you see the Rolling Stones @ halftime? Awful. I can’t imagine Tom Petty has any fun.
20. Heads up - Carlos Mencia is apparently in some commercials. See I told so you so. Anyway to round out this list I’m going to say watch “Failure to Launch”. Terry Bradshaw shows his ass in that.

Also, Samuel L. Jackson doesn’t know shit about football. Why interview this man? Oh I forgot, you’re Ryan Seacrest.

Well this is going to be a long one. But it will be an ordered list that we’ll be adding to over the years. We’ll do them 10 at a time.

1. McDonalds after 8pm.
2. McDonalds ever.
3. Middle seat on a redeye from Seattle to NYC after next to no sleep the night before, having to run around like the chubby dude you are at a touch football game that afternoon. Go Dynamo Harshbart!
4. Being on a plane next to a dude who decided 3 hours in was the time to unveil his smuggled-aboard Taco Bell.
5. 2 minute+ conversations with Fran Drescher.
6. Being woken up by people you don’t like. Imagine if Tom Cruise woke you up. Tom: “Hey chuck, wake up!”, Me: “How’d you get into my house you crazy warlock? Get out before I call the cops.” He’s a warlock you know.
7. Be O.J. Simpson.
8. Bump into people from high school you didn’t want to talk to back then but suddenly think you’re buddies. This for me is usually people that were dicks to me but suddenly decide to be nice. Eat some dirt sucka.
9. Spill something. Ugh. That always sucks.
10. Minor car accident. Because you’re not happy you’re ok. You’re pissed about the hassle. You hear me.

New category ladies. You guessed it - How To. I’ll be dishing out intentionally horrible life advice day in and day out - most often inspired by the people I see living as I am going to mention (even Michaelangelo had naked dudes to pose for him. Wait. Wtf?)

We start on a bit of a different beat with you heard it right folks - FLIFF. If you haven’t watched anything by Brad Neely you probably get more girls than me but whatever. The emo chicks dig me. Ok that’s a lie but the last time I told the truth I got divorced. So much for THAT plan.

Check out Brad Neely @ http://www.superdeluxe.com/sd/artist/brad_neely. The word fliff I picked up from his cartoon “the Professor Brothers.”

You’ll notice the essay format. I WILL be accepting HORRIBLE life advice to post from anyone who wants to input! The more we can dig a hole we can’t get society out of, the further our loogies will fall from the top. If I spelled that wrong eat a pancake.

Fliff: How to Count Without Counting It - by Chuck

Fliff dates back to the days of Oregon Trail where hippies weren’t yet hippies. They were just hairy chicks on a wagon headed out west. If you rolled deep with some fliff you could get a sweet set of wheels, mine for gold in some not yet polluted streams, and party all night.

Nowadays, fliff is strictly for flexing. The real question is where and when to flex, and of course - how to flex without flinching.

Flex your fliff with a lady in site, making babies right, if the mood is tight.

I’m just kidding. If you are making babies you’ve most likely flexed your fliff hours ago - it’s basically only way to have deceptively consensual sex with a chick.

Well that’s pretty sexist. Fear not ladies. Dudes go for rich chicks too.

Of course I just answered where/when.

As far as not flinching - spending fliff @ the club with little concern for your rent payment is the only way to roll. I’d rather die in the streets than not be a freak in the bed, if you dig what I’m dishing.

Where to get fliff?

• “Benyamine.” pr1nnyraid, www.dangerlion.com
• “I don’t know. I’m still trying to figure out where to keep it all. If I need some more I’ll figure it out then.” Akash
• “Lol.” Kevin Federline
• “Be good in college.” Ryan Leaf, 1st round bust. Confirmed by Reggie Bush.
• “www.deucescracked.com” shameless plug, danzasmack
• “Ruin everything your father ever worked for.” Donald Trump. And the Hiltons.

You get the point.

Of course you do. You’re a champion. So flex it, don’t count.