There are big time restaurant with famous chefs and stores with fancy shit people want already that go out of business on the regular.

Then there’s this hand made soap store that blows bubbles out of a machine down the block from me. And there are the dozens of crappy “lol I went to NYC!” stores all over midtown that somehow manage to stay in business.

For those of you who haven’t had the pleasure of living in or visiting Manhattan - there are like whole city blocks of these SHIT stores. Literally they just sell shit. Like, taxi candles and porcelain Statue of Liberties. You can buy like 40 t-shirts for $8 there (if you’re willing to get a rash every time you put one on). I don’t think I’ve ever seen anyone else in there. They have sodas from like 1976 (TAB for the win!) and I mean seriously - they’ve got to be selling drugs there or something.

Sprinkled amongst them are these bogus discount electronics stores that prop up latptops in the window with shockingly low price tags. Tom Hanks describes these stores better than I ever could in an old SNL bit I’ve included below.

That has got to be the worst fucking card ever made.

1) Some asshole actually made that card. He literally went out of his way to make that card. There was a design process. “What are we going to do with this weird sunflower picture you drew?” “Sorry card.” “Who gets someone a card when they’re sorry?” “People who can’t afford flowers?”

2) “Forgive Me?” Seriously? You better attach this card to a fucking race car if you think I’m going to forgive you for anything if you gave me this card. They say it’s the thought that counts but honestly, I’d rather not know thoughts like this existed.

What type of situations merit and “I’m Sorry” card. Come to think of it I might just buy like 50 of these and keep them on me to give out when I fart in the elevator or something. “What’s that smell?” Boom here’s a card. I could probably buy like $500 worth of Applebee’s gift cards to stuff in there (get them at a discount I’m sure). Some would take it as “Great, this guy is giving me a gift card for when I get my appetite back” while the others will think “what the fuck did he eat at applebee’s? It smells like old tires in here.”

So KRANTZ has me doing crossfit. What is crossfit? It’s basically an insurance policy. In the event we are attacked by mutants who can only be defeated via hand to hand combat - I will be conditioned to the point where I will be able to compete with the enemy.

But seriously I almost died yesterday and today I barely made it through (though I did) - meaning crossfit and I are now tied.

It is a lot of fun and very challenging. Our trainer is a beast with a calm demeanor. Kind of like one of those Moms you don’t that never yells, but their kids listen.

I’ve been trying to watch Michael Phelps race but have missed every one.

In other news - brace for epic.

Ok, clearly not of all time. I’m sure somebody attached sliced bread to an email back in “oh four” or whatever they say.

Anyway.

Subject: A complaint would be entered to Crockett that one man owed another money and refused to pay him.

Body:
What, haven’t you a
watch, miss. he inquired.

I have not just at present–I am about to get a new one.

No.

My response: owned.

A lot of people I know like to go to Atlantic City for the weekend. Most of these people are poker players, there to play some live poker rather than sit with a nice cold can of tab on a Sunday and play in the Stars million or something. They are fucking nuts.

The rest though, have this crazy thought in their head that Atlantic City is some glorious Disney Land for 22 year olds, rather than the Euro Disney for geriatrics that it is.

Now don’t get me wrong, I love Atlantic City - as a family destination. That’s right I said it, FAMILY destination. My mom loves the slot machines, my brother and sister do to, and we go, and talk and smile and that’s really that. Get a nice-ish dinner somewhere and then go watch an $18 movie in the hotel room. When I go with my dad we do the typical “fuck yeah live poker is gonna be awesome” on the way down and the “well that was fun but we should have played online and gotten a real steak in Manhattan” on the way home. Standard male bonding.

Now Vegas, I’ll give you Vegas. Vegas is a pretty snappy place, with big ass towers, celebrities out and about - but like anything else you have to be in the right spots. Atlantic City? You have like 4 spots to be in. Don’t go outside unless you want to see what a real hooker looks like (you do NOT). Sure, they have their events there and such. But c’mon. It’s in New Jersy.

It’s in New Jersey.

All I’m saying is don’t expect much when you go there. If you go with your friends I’m sure you’ll have a great time.