As will every other 2nd to last day of the month. It is officially “Awkwardly Close and Apologizing Day”. WHY? Because it is awkwardly close to the end of the month and my mix of sweat and Old Spice is clearly the best reminder.

How to celebrate: In a situation that requires you to stand near someone, you go and stand near them - only a little too close. Don’t like grab a boob or cup a buttock, but get a little too close and make it awkward. It’s not intimate. It is just like “uh, you can read the board from over there…”

Then, once the person acknowledges that you are too close, apologize as if to say “I’m sorry but there’s nothing I can do about this right now” - not like “oh I’m sorry I’m going to move”.

Once the moment passes feel free to go about your day. Celebrating your celebration with a cupcake or can of soda is fine/standard.

So I never meant to be a news outlet but FYI I’ve been doing some heavy research and the economy is in a little bit of trouble.

Watching the guys who couldn’t score with the chicks on the debate team or the chicks on the drama squad (CNN anchors) try and explain this economic stimulus package to me got disheartening. In total sincerity I think sitting down to read something like this yourself is a decent practice. So not to be a hypocrite I downloaded it and tried to read it.

Now, normally I would fail because of all the legal mumbo jumbo stuff. But not this time. I’ve gotten kinda used to it over the past few months. Unfortunately they called the Troubled Asset Relief Program a “TARP” throughout the whole thing.

So, alone in my blue underoos and robe I sat, reading this stimulus package, saying to myself “It’s a TARP!”

The sad thing is, I don’t even think I’d want to hang out with Admiral Ackbar. This dude goes FACE FIRST into an epic trap. Of course, his main man is Lando who has been running, let’s face, a fucking bordello (imports exports? piss off. I didn’t see one lady in that town - clearly they’re all working girls. And there is 0 chance the wookie wasn’t paying for sex) for a few years and now puts on a cape and the rebellion is all about letting him run shit.

How did they win!? ANYTHING. “Hey I’m Han Solo, this is my Millennium Falcon. It goes super fast and I’ll drive you somewhere for some cash.” Translation “Yeah baby, I graduated High School back in ‘96 but still like to see how my old track coach is bringing in the young bucks. Oh that, that’s my iroc. I hit 105 on the highway once. You wanna go for a ride? Great baby. Wait, do you have gas money?”

Han Solo was a creep and a degen. The Wookie fucking HATED him I know it. But who is going to hire a wookie!? ANYWHERE? Hair ALL over the place. It’d be disgusting. Food services? No dice. Office space? No dice. Sales? I’m sorry, I don’t speak indiscernible growl. I saw Tatooine, there is no grass to cut so lawn care is not in the cards. So he had no choice.

What I want to know is what he did to get kicked off of wookie island (which we saw in the earlier flicks). It’s either he blew his shot with the one wookie lady in town, or some sort of “A long time ago in a galaxy far far away Wookie tried to make it in Hollywood (equivalent of that back in the day) and failed.”

All I know is never join the Rebellion. You’re going to work your way up to the top to have some piss ant named Luke steal your thunder. After you get over that an alcoholic smuggler into a giant sex crazed worm for big dough is going to take over your spot as captain, despite the fact that he is about as reliable as the junkies that are on Scrubs (Dr. Elliot Reed gets pwnd) - oh and those weeks and weeks you spent getting comfortable working next to a giant fish creature will mean nothing when a space pimp steals your spot in line.

What a shitshow. How did they win anything.

Today we’re talking about background musicians who are overly enthusiastic and their hideous fucking hats.

I know you’ve seen it. Some singer with some super tight backup band doing some sort of cover of “Welcome to the Jungle” but with a synth bass and chicks dressed like a tiger from one of Eddie Murphy’s parties in the 80’s. The camera man is obliged to pan across the band every few minutes - various angles including the “omfg he is REALLY playing those drums”, “how much do they pay that guy to rub that stick on that big bean looking thing? I could do that”, “he gets to play the big guitar”, and my personal favorite “god I love thick backup singers” - while we are introduced to the properly enthused band.

Then there’s that dude. If he doesn’t have a pony tail he has a hat from one of those hat shops you don’t think anybody besides the guys on “Atlantic City Hookers” shop at (fuck off you’ve seen it too - that narrator is going to narrate my wedding. My father in law is going to flip a SHIT but not be able to say why because he’s embarassed to tell everyone why he’s so pissed. Then my brother will get hammered and be like “nice narrator - sounded like that guy from that HBO special with the tranny hookers”. I know what you’re thinking - who gets a wedding narrator? The same guy who puts firecrackers in a turkey and thinks it’s funny.)

Anyway back to this dude - he’s got moves. He’s got the hat, the pony tail coming from below the hat, he’s got some sort of electric blue guitar and back up - because it is girating. Every note is coming directly from his haggar slacked crotch. Is that leopard print? No, it’s Liger print. Hell of a shirt. Not only did it come with soup, you can’t even tell I spilled it on it.

Now don’t get me wrong, this dude is doing his thing. The problem is he’s way too enthused to be on stage right now. He’s shucking and jiving to such a degree that the smiling tamborine player looks kinda out of place. There’s the singer “grimicangly musically” and well - I’ve said too much.

Long story short is calm down. We know you don’t like this song, so stop trying to fake it.

In case I break my legs skiing this weekend, you guys can have my sneakers.