Today we’re talking about background musicians who are overly enthusiastic and their hideous fucking hats.

I know you’ve seen it. Some singer with some super tight backup band doing some sort of cover of “Welcome to the Jungle” but with a synth bass and chicks dressed like a tiger from one of Eddie Murphy’s parties in the 80’s. The camera man is obliged to pan across the band every few minutes - various angles including the “omfg he is REALLY playing those drums”, “how much do they pay that guy to rub that stick on that big bean looking thing? I could do that”, “he gets to play the big guitar”, and my personal favorite “god I love thick backup singers” - while we are introduced to the properly enthused band.

Then there’s that dude. If he doesn’t have a pony tail he has a hat from one of those hat shops you don’t think anybody besides the guys on “Atlantic City Hookers” shop at (fuck off you’ve seen it too - that narrator is going to narrate my wedding. My father in law is going to flip a SHIT but not be able to say why because he’s embarassed to tell everyone why he’s so pissed. Then my brother will get hammered and be like “nice narrator - sounded like that guy from that HBO special with the tranny hookers”. I know what you’re thinking - who gets a wedding narrator? The same guy who puts firecrackers in a turkey and thinks it’s funny.)

Anyway back to this dude - he’s got moves. He’s got the hat, the pony tail coming from below the hat, he’s got some sort of electric blue guitar and back up - because it is girating. Every note is coming directly from his haggar slacked crotch. Is that leopard print? No, it’s Liger print. Hell of a shirt. Not only did it come with soup, you can’t even tell I spilled it on it.

Now don’t get me wrong, this dude is doing his thing. The problem is he’s way too enthused to be on stage right now. He’s shucking and jiving to such a degree that the smiling tamborine player looks kinda out of place. There’s the singer “grimicangly musically” and well - I’ve said too much.

Long story short is calm down. We know you don’t like this song, so stop trying to fake it.

In case I break my legs skiing this weekend, you guys can have my sneakers.