So I never meant to be a news outlet but FYI I’ve been doing some heavy research and the economy is in a little bit of trouble.
Watching the guys who couldn’t score with the chicks on the debate team or the chicks on the drama squad (CNN anchors) try and explain this economic stimulus package to me got disheartening. In total sincerity I think sitting down to read something like this yourself is a decent practice. So not to be a hypocrite I downloaded it and tried to read it.
Now, normally I would fail because of all the legal mumbo jumbo stuff. But not this time. I’ve gotten kinda used to it over the past few months. Unfortunately they called the Troubled Asset Relief Program a “TARP” throughout the whole thing.
So, alone in my blue underoos and robe I sat, reading this stimulus package, saying to myself “It’s a TARP!”
The sad thing is, I don’t even think I’d want to hang out with Admiral Ackbar. This dude goes FACE FIRST into an epic trap. Of course, his main man is Lando who has been running, let’s face, a fucking bordello (imports exports? piss off. I didn’t see one lady in that town - clearly they’re all working girls. And there is 0 chance the wookie wasn’t paying for sex) for a few years and now puts on a cape and the rebellion is all about letting him run shit.
How did they win!? ANYTHING. “Hey I’m Han Solo, this is my Millennium Falcon. It goes super fast and I’ll drive you somewhere for some cash.” Translation “Yeah baby, I graduated High School back in ‘96 but still like to see how my old track coach is bringing in the young bucks. Oh that, that’s my iroc. I hit 105 on the highway once. You wanna go for a ride? Great baby. Wait, do you have gas money?”
Han Solo was a creep and a degen. The Wookie fucking HATED him I know it. But who is going to hire a wookie!? ANYWHERE? Hair ALL over the place. It’d be disgusting. Food services? No dice. Office space? No dice. Sales? I’m sorry, I don’t speak indiscernible growl. I saw Tatooine, there is no grass to cut so lawn care is not in the cards. So he had no choice.
What I want to know is what he did to get kicked off of wookie island (which we saw in the earlier flicks). It’s either he blew his shot with the one wookie lady in town, or some sort of “A long time ago in a galaxy far far away Wookie tried to make it in Hollywood (equivalent of that back in the day) and failed.”
All I know is never join the Rebellion. You’re going to work your way up to the top to have some piss ant named Luke steal your thunder. After you get over that an alcoholic smuggler into a giant sex crazed worm for big dough is going to take over your spot as captain, despite the fact that he is about as reliable as the junkies that are on Scrubs (Dr. Elliot Reed gets pwnd) - oh and those weeks and weeks you spent getting comfortable working next to a giant fish creature will mean nothing when a space pimp steals your spot in line.
What a shitshow. How did they win anything.
